Part 3- My jobs, depression, and getting to know the universe
I took jobs where I was helping customers resolve their queries. Normally this wouldn’t be a bad thing, and this was supposed to be my Gap year, so I can get trained at the local college, and go to university.
But I had a tiny bit of fun with my jobs, and with a monthly wage coming in, I became accustomed to having a lot of money, and not know what to do with it.
I wanted to spend it on clothes, DVD’s, and all sorts of junk. And although there were times that I would get stressed, the money was too good to pass up. (I wasn’t earning much, but as I was used to £100 every 2 months, so anything over £500 was loads)
I did have a few bills to pay, but I had lots left, and began wasting it. I used this as justification in being with jobs, where I was at times sad and stressed out.
Still, I kept my feelings to myself, and started looking towards doing advanced Maths at my local college. I met a great teacher, who showed me how Maths was really done, but the homework was (as always) tough and boring, and I wanted to have fun.
In 2007, I was about to make another decision in my life, which would prove to be pivotal. By the summer, I had became very cynical, not believing in any good, and felt the world had turned to Hell. My childhood felt like a distant memory, and I was no longer having any meaningful fun. I was depressed. I lost a lot of sleep, as a colleague had died in her sleep, and that scared the hell out of me!
I was a robot…no even worse, a zombie!
I was starting to ask big questions on life. What was the meaning of it, what was the point? I saw people day to day, suffering, going through emotional problems, and sometimes taking it out on me. I thought I was worthless! I had been brought up a Roman Catholic, and supposed to believe in God, but I had no idea what God really was, and this, ‘Fear of God’ thing just didn’t make sense. But my parents believed in utmost respect, so I just went along with it.
So it came to my surprise, that during my afternoon break-time at work during a lovely summers day while I was looking on Amazon, I heard a voice inside my head which told me to search, ‘talking to god’.
I was amazed. But the voice was quite clear! I went to church, and prayed (although I had no idea if God heard me at all, as I was stuck in my life!!!) But I went with it. I typed in, ‘talking to god’ and the Amazon search returned many results, all books ranging from prayers, to people giving accounts on their versions of divinity.
I was about to leave to go back to work, when I scrolled down and saw a book called, ‘I talked to God, and he wants to talk to you’. I was intrigued, and a few days later, brought it!
Everything began to make sense. It was an author who spoke to god, and wrote the answers down! For once, a mist began to slowly clear, as I began to realise what all this divinity stuff was all about. I began to meditate, and felt an inner peace in my soul (so I do have a soul then!!!).
At the same time, I received an inheritance and was immediately bombarded with all sorts of mail shots claiming that I can make all sorts of money quickly online or offline.
Some were scams, but I did buy a subscription to a particular money-making-review type magazine, and was introduce to the movie, ‘The Secret’.
I began to slowly realise that you thoughts did create your reality, but I was still so socially conditioned and very cynical, and it wasn’t until a bad event in 2009 took place that I started taking meditation very seriously.
I had no choice…I wanted to believe, but everybody around was saying something different. That you had no real power, and had to rely on other people! But Spirituality made sense and I didn’t know what to do. All that would slowly change, as I became interested in a concept called, ‘Astral Projection’.
I had to be quick, as I was becoming suicidal. I didn’t like life, didn’t know what to believe, and wanted out…now! But it wasn’t until 2011, that I had my first proper out-of-body experience.
…and that would practically change everything!